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Not-So-Great Moments in Spa… Direct Email Marketing August 18, 2008

Posted by Tim in Stupidity.
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1 comment so far

The other day, I received the following spam unwanted email in my Yahoo account (I knew it was spam unwanted email, but I couldn’t resist previewing it using Yahoo’s image/virus-blocking preview):

AWARD DEPARTMENT.
P O Box 1010,L70 1NL Liverpool,
UNITED KINGDOM(Customer Services)
Ref: FER/4690/6103/24Batch:245-379-482
Winning No:701/RMD123

NOTIFICATION  Attn:WINNER

We happily announce to you the draw of the Bono Lottery International Program held on the 17th of August 2008. Your name “email address” was attached to ticket number; 12324277 serial number 6663817262 This batch draws the lucky numbers as follows 2-9-22-23-24-30 bonus number5,

which

Note: I didn’t chop off the end of the message. I also didn’t eliminate my email address from the section that reads ‘Your name “email address”.’

I used to think that no matter how pitiful my life had become, I could at least find solace in the fact that my life had more meaning than the poor souls who find themselves in the live audience of “American Gladiator.” (That’s probably less true now that Hulk Hogan is hosting the show, because there’s something charming about a man that powerful hiding his male pattern baldness and skullet hair with a bandana.)

Now, I find solace in knowing that no matter how poorly I perform at work, I’m performing better than the people who can’t figure out how to compose a coherent spam message. My God have mercy on their slimy souls, but not much, as I’d be perfectly happy if I discovered that God changed the rules to deny grace to them all.

How I Spent Father’s Day Weekend June 18, 2008

Posted by Tim in Cartoons/Animation/Video, Family, Flatulence, Fun, Humor, Love, Movies, Parenting/Children, Stupidity.
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4 comments

My older son and I made the following video on the Saturday of Father’s Day weekend. The local Kino group put this on, and at the last minute, we decided to give it a shot. Enjoy!

A Sign You’re Not Awake May 12, 2008

Posted by Tim in Stupidity.
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1 comment so far

Here’s a sign that you’re not awake enough to get behind the wheel of a car and drive (in spite of the fact that I had already brushed my teeth, let the dog out, and put my laptop in the trunk):

inside-out-shirt

Fortunately, I noticed that this shirt normally has a pocket on the other side.

“Shirley, You Jest!” April 9, 2008

Posted by Tim in Stupidity.
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3 comments

I am jesting, but don’t call me “Shirley.”

The Traditional Court Jester

Some time back, a friend of mine compared me to a court jester. I think he was trying to give me a compliment. Court jesters of the Middle Ages, according to Wikipedia, were “thought of as special cases whom God had touched with a childlike madness—a gift, or perhaps a curse.” When I read that, my immediate reaction was “but of course!”

However, that paragraph continues with, “Mentally handicapped people sometimes found employment by capering and behaving in an amusing way.”

This could explain a number of things…

The Blizzard, the Dog, and the Trash Can March 8, 2008

Posted by Tim in Stupidity.
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7 comments

I am a member of a people group known as Not a Morning Person ™. I do not think clearly when I first wake up. I know this is not a phenomenon that is unique to me.

not-a-morning-person

I also own a dog. There are days that I would like to cause the dog physical harm. This is one of those days.

I should probably explain. (more…)

Big Time-Spender or Big-Time Spender? August 23, 2007

Posted by Tim in Communication, Family, Flatulence, Fun, Humor, Laughter, Love, Parenting/Children, Self-Worth, Sports, Stupidity, life.
3 comments

One of the notable songs from Billy Joel’s “Streetlife Serenade” album from 1974 was a song called “The Last of the Big Time Spenders.” The chorus includes the following line:

…I’m the last of the big time spenders
And I’ve been spendin’ time on you,

An eternal truth that’s too easy to forget is that money is distributed unevenly, but time is doled out in equal amounts. None of us get more than 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, or 365 days in a year.

hook

Recently, a very good friend remembered my love of “Hook,” the Robin Williams & Dustin Hoffman version of the Peter Pan story, and bought the DVD for me for my birthday. The most significant reason I love this movie? It’s a constant reminder to spend time with my sons, and more important, how I should spend that time. (more…)

Happy Mother’s Day! May 16, 2007

Posted by Tim in Family, Flatulence, Food, Fun, Humor, Laughter, Mother's Day, Parenting/Children, Stupidity.
6 comments

I apologize for posting this a bit late, but it’s a story that needs to be told. On a holiday like Mother’s Day, some women get cards or flowers. Others get beautiful gifts.

mothersday

At my house? At my house, you get the gift that keeps on giving: embarrassment. (more…)

The Curious Incident of the Turkeys (and Cars) in the Daytime April 25, 2007

Posted by Tim in Cars, Driving, Friends, Stupidity, Turkey.
6 comments

Since my older sister let the cat (or turkey) out of the bag, I suppose I should go on the record with my official version of “The Turkey Incident.” Technically, this might qualify as a Stupid Human Trick, but for now, I’ll leave it here.

turkey

(No, I have no idea why the turkey in the picture is wearing a monocle, and looks a bit like Colonel Klink.)

I swear that the following is true, to the best of my recollection. As Mr. Carlson (from WKRP in Cincinnati) once said, “With God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.” (more…)

My Day April 1, 2007

Posted by Tim in April Fool's Day, Flatulence, Fun, Humor, Laughter, Learning, Rosie O'Donnell, Self-Worth, Stupidity.
13 comments

Today is officially my day. That’s right… April Fool’s Day, I hereby declare, is my own personal holiday. Traditionally, it’s been a day to play pranks on one another. No longer. I am turning into a celebration of all the foolish things I have done (an interesting list, but listing them ALL would exceed the capacity of WordPress’ generous servers), in my entire life.

jester

Yes, this includes (more…)

The Dog Laughed at Me February 14, 2007

Posted by Tim in Dogs, Flatulence, Fun, Laughter, Stupidity, Winter.
9 comments

So I’m taking the dog out to put him on his chain, part of my morning ritual. Since I’ll be going back inside, I’m just wearing a polo shirt in the freezing cold. I’ll be driving the van again today (too much ice for the S2000), so I’ve got the keys in my left hand, and the dog’s collar in my right.

laugh_dog

As I lean down to grab the dog’s chain, I have the sudden realization that my feet are somehow airborne, and my butt is milliseconds from hitting the ground. BAM! (more…)