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Memories of Mom January 21, 2006

Posted by TimTheFoolMan in Love, Parenting/Children.
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Every now and then, something will trigger a really strong memory of my Mom. It’s been almost 5 years, and so those moments are less frequent. Strange though, they’re not any less intense than they were just days after her death.

Last night, it was sitting in the kitchen, by myself, after everyone else had gone to bed. I would do this when I was living at home, but invariably, Mom would somehow know that I was up, and would come in and keep me company. We would talk about anything and everything. Most of the time, we’d laugh.

If I happened to be standing, Mom would stand next to me, and put her hand on the small of my back. It was so subtle that I never consciously noticed it when she did it. Only years later, after she was gone, did I realize this small habit.

Every now and then, she would walk over to the sink, do some dishes, and then come back over to where I was standing. Disconnecting from eye contact and/or physical touch was very insightful. Mom seemed to know the right moment when a bit of a break was in order, but would reconnect, and re-establish the opportunity to communicate at a deep level.

And so it was that I sat last night, listening to the silence of the house, looking around a kitchen that Mom never set foot in, and yet I felt a sense of her presence that was so real, it was almost tangible. The tick… tick… tick… of the clock on the shelf. The heat pump whirring away outside the window. The sound of the cat’s claws clicking on the hardwood floor. None of these specific sounds were familiar from the house I grew up in, but I felt her presence.

For some reason, I was missing her. I still haven’t figured out what the reason is, but there is this gap in my heart, this vacuum… a vacuum I know will never be filled.

Who are you missing? Who is it that has touched your heart? Who has, in some manner, put their hand in the small of your back in such a way that it says, “I love you, I accept you, I’m not going to try to change you, and I’ll stand here all night and listen as long as you want to talk”?

For me, that person was my mom, which brings a different question. Who will miss me if I’m not there? Who have I touched, and how? Who has heard, literally or figuratively, “I love you, I accept you, I’m not going to change you, and I’ll stand here all night…”?

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Comments»

1. Diana - May 19, 2007

it is somewhat odd how i can completely understand that feeling of intense loss. it has been almost two years since my mom passed away, and the memories are less frequent, however their impact still leave me breathless. i was completely accepted by my mother, and i have yet to find someone who will say “i love you, i accept you, I’m not going to try to change you…” but i take heart in my memories and know that at least i have that. memories are forever.

2. anony - May 8, 2008

My mom still visits me sometimes in a dream. Sometimes all is well. Sometimes she is still ill with cancer. It is a haunting and calming feeling at the same time. Even with the dreams where she is ill, I feel empty when I wake up.

Mom was always my biggest supporter. Encouraging me along even when I messed up.

I haven’t felt her presence while awake at all since she died. I thought if there was a way to contact me, she would find it. Maybe the dreams are the best way for her? Its crazy, but I still think (even though I know better) she should be calling me on the phone.

It’s been over a year and a half, and there hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t thought about her. Parents are such a big part of our lives. So influential. And we don’t realize it all the time.

I wonder sometimes if there is anyone who feels the way I do. I know in my heart that there are a lot of people who hurt. Some have gone through more than what I have witnessed and been through myself. I’m horrified when I think of what the cancer did. I saw it and tried to help her through it. The doctors, though not their fault, weren’t able to do anything but somewhat ease the pain at the end for $250,000 worth of treatments/meds/etc…It just doesn’t seem right.

Holidays are tough. Mothers day is just around the corner. Every day is tough though. I am comforted knowing she is with Jesus. In a dream I asked her what Jesus was like and naturally she said he was really nice. She told me about how she was brought to a place where baby quilts were made for the babies who die and go to Heaven. It didn’t register in my brain until the next day, but Mom was always making quilts for someone’s baby. Is this all in my head? Maybe….but it doesn’t matter. I’m just happy to see her again whenever I can.

3. Tim - May 9, 2008

Anony,

What an incredible journey you’ve been on. Clearly, your Mom had (and has) a powerful influence on your life. It sounds like that influence was a very positive one. Thank you for stopping by and sharing this. – Tim

4. Linda - July 21, 2008

It’s late on a Sunday nite of 20 July 2008 while I sit here looking for memories of my mom sites. How I got on this site, no one knows. After reading your site, I too have lost my earthly mother on March 9, 2008 and time has certainly passed so quickly. I still feel like it was yesterday. As I am still fresh in dissolving the estate and as I sit here in their home empty of their remains gone with the exception of what has been left to me to treasure always, I have found myself many many times picking up mom and dad’s picture praying for strength. I cannot tell you how that picture has talked to me and many times I have felt their presence here and like some of your other viewers have told you I too feel mom’s presence either at the breakfast bar and especially in the bathroom for the late nites when we would get ready for bed. Mom and I would spend hours going down memory lane and that is how the house remains, memories……so many memories. The day is coming here soon when I have to turn the keys to this home built by dad in 1958 which will close the chapter of mom and dad’s life here but will hold memories forever. I pray each day that they remain my angels and remain by my side until I meet them again one day when I too will go home to the LORDs house to be with them again. Thank you Lord for blessing me with a wonderful earthly Mother and Father. I am forever grateful.


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