The Dog Laughed at Me February 14, 2007
Posted by TimTheFoolMan in Dogs, Flatulence, Fun, Laughter, Stupidity, Winter.trackback
So I’m taking the dog out to put him on his chain, part of my morning ritual. Since I’ll be going back inside, I’m just wearing a polo shirt in the freezing cold. I’ll be driving the van again today (too much ice for the S2000), so I’ve got the keys in my left hand, and the dog’s collar in my right.
As I lean down to grab the dog’s chain, I have the sudden realization that my feet are somehow airborne, and my butt is milliseconds from hitting the ground. BAM!
Look Away from the Stupid Human
This is when the dog, still next to me (by virtue of my hand holding his collar), looked away. I feel quite certain he was laughing at me.
After brushing off my embarrassment (and confirming that I hadn’t split my pants open on the pavement), I grabbed the chain. It’s frozen to the pavement, buried in a quarter inch of ice. With a bit of tugging on the chain (and more than a little cursing under my breath), it breaks free. Unfortunately, the clasp is (quite naturally) frozen shut.
So now I’m standing in the driveway, precariously balanced on a surface slippery enough to require a patent from DuPont, trying to figure out how to open the frozen clasp in 20 deg F weather, wearing a polo shirt and dockers. I determine that the best course of action is to squeeze the clasp in the palm of my hand, hopefully thawing out the spring mechanism with my body heat.
Cold, Stupid Brains are Still Stupid
It worked, or seemed to, in spite of the fact that the temperature of the palm of my hand was now quite a bit lower than normal human body temperature. However, it was not completely unstuck, as evidenced by the pain my hands experienced when I applied serious pressure with both hands on the slider, and it slipped and scraped the back of my right hand.
My butt is now throbbing, my right hand is bleeding, my left palm is frozen, and the rest of my body is headed in that direction. If I were to pass gas at this moment, the National Weather Service would have to figure out how to calculate a “Breaking Wind Chill.”
The dog is looking away again.
Finally, the clasp breaks loose, the dog’s collar is attached, and I was able to retire to the house, to finish getting ready for work. As I came back to the door and looked out, the dog was now slipping and sliding on the ice himself, albeit with the benefit of two additional legs. He looked so helpless and pitiful, confused by the complete lack of traction his paws were experiencing.
I didn’t look away.
A Fool and his Words are Soon Parted 
Poor doggy 😐
LOL@“Breaking Wind Chill.”
So when the dog is out on a chain on the ice in the cold, does he also have a warm place he can go, that includes traction? Or is he only outside temporarily? (Yes, I know, my sympathies should be entirely with your butt, your hand, and your other frozen parts; but as owner of a near menagerie, I tend to worry about people’s animals.)
To Me and Tiffany: I should have clarified, but the dog was going out for his “morning business.” In cold weather, he goes back in until late afternoon.
icedmocha: There is no blog entry that isn’t better with another with a good flatulence joke. 😉 – Tim
Can you come warm my mailbox lock with your frozen hands so I can get my Valentines? 😉
Is there candy in the deal? 😀 – Tim
Tim!
How you been buddy? Good to see you active in cyberspace. Nice site design as well. 8^)
Every now and then, I’d like to read my dog’s mind…and then I come to my senses (like when I’m forcing her to go outside for potty functions in the midst of a sleet storm).
The ice situation this week was nasty! Not fun seeing the little paws fumble.
Paladin,
Thanks for stopping by and catching up. It was great having lunch the other day.
Allison,
Yes it was. My commute home on Monday, (which normally takes 35 min) took over 4 hours. I spent way more time in full slide than I care to, and felt lucky to sleep under a roof that wasn’t part of my car. – Tim