Ten Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t February 15, 2008
Posted by TimTheFoolMan in Memes.Tags: broken bones, C++ Programming, Delphi Programming, singing telegrams, Stupidity, wardrobe malfunctions
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I stole this from Gentiana over at .:Headfile:.
- Successfully recovered from forgetting the words to a singing telegram midway through the delivery
- Experienced not one, but two significant wardrobe malfunctions during theatrical performances in Baptist churches
- Suffered a compression break of the distal phalange (the tip bone) of my left thumb
- Had surgery to repair the orbit behind my right eye
- Suffered a partial tear of my left medial collateral ligament (MCL) from trying to piggy-back two of my best friends
- Been mistaken, on multiple occasions, for Troy Aikman (former Dallas Cowboys quarterback)
- Ate dinner with Bjarne Stroustrup, Bruce Eckel, Dan Saks, Scott Meyers, Marco Cantu, and Chuck Allison
- Hung upside down by my seatbelt in a car
- Memorized, while on-stage, a series of 12 one-page monologues
- Seen the Aurora Borealis from just outside of Louisville, KY
Special Explanatory Notes:
- This was before a packed, Friday night crowd in a Mexican restaurant, wearing a Superman costume. I forgot the words in the middle of the first verse, but I was able to convince the audience that it was part of the act. I promptly experienced a minor mental breakdown afterward in the car.
- In both cases, the fly was not just open, but was completely broken.
- This happened during a flawed attempt to pop a balloon while auditioning for the singing telegram job in #1. The doctor taking the x-rays said he had never seen or heard of this bone being broken in this manner, in his entire life. In spite of the injury, I got the job.
- It was broken by a left-hook from a teenage friend, responding to my metaphorical comparison between him and a private area of the female anatomy. We were having an argument over my limited view of existentialism, and it went downhill quickly.
- They were both relatively small, and I would have been successful, had it not been for the surprisingly slippery surface underneath my left foot.
- The first time was at a restaurant in Tyler, Texas, the night before the Cowboys were scheduled to play a home game in Dallas. For reasons that I cannot fully explain, I passed on the opportunity to translate the mistaken identity into a free meal.
- If you’re not a Delphi or C++ programmer, ignore this item, since me explaining its significance won’t help.
- This was the position my best friend and I found ourselves in after we rolled his Datsun 240Z while racing down a twisty backroad
- The monologues were part of a Fourth of July presentation, where there was a thankfully long song between each of the monologues. The monologues were just short enough, and the songs were just long enough, for me to lay down the script just before getting up to speak. My wife was the only one who knew that prior to arriving for the performance, I had not read any of the monologues.
- I had a paper route when I was a teenager, and noticed some incredible lights to the north. Not believing that the “Northern Lights” would be visible so far south, I called the weatherman at the local radio station who confirmed that what I had seen was, in fact, the Aurora Borealis, and that freak atmospheric conditions had made them visible.
A Fool and his Words are Soon Parted 
I am impressed by number 9 – this would, for most people, be some kind of nightmare.
As Oscarandre says, #9 would be a nightmare — as would #1 or #2. The performer side of me shudders at these thoughts, which have caused various long-dormant memories to resurface of anxious onstage moments: the single time I ever complelely dried up on my lines, in 7th grade; the time in “Calamity Jane” when I had about 30 seconds to change from cowgirl clothes into a wedding dress, and the zipper stuck… Thanks SO much for causing me to take this jolly trip down memory lane! 😀
Oscarandre,
There must be a bit of masochism in me somewhere, because nobody (except me) expected me to do this. However, as we were on our way to the performance, the thought occurred to me that the lines would be much more meaningful if I could maintain eye contact with the audience. So that thought was playing in the back of my mind. When I got on stage and started reading through the first monologue, I felt like I could get it close enough to keep the script down on the podium. As the song ended, I decided that what I would need to really focus my energy was the pressure of no script in-hand.
Tiffany,
Oh my… wardrobe malfunctions are just plain hideous. I’m not sure that mine was worse than yours, except it was public. I would not wish those moments on anyone, especially the part where I was standing with the rest of the cast on-stage after the performance, and after shaking hands with 20 or so people, a little girl shakes my hand and whispers, “Did you know that your zipper is open?” I immediately turned around, checked to confirm, and made a hasty exit. – Tim
One of my uncles is frequently mistaken for Kenny Rogers. One time a woman at the airport insisted that my uncle was indeed the country crooner, even after he showed her his driver’s license. Just to make her go away, he finally agreed to pose in a photo and give her an autograph. While my uncle does indeed have a white beard, it should be noted that he is completely bald whereas Kenny Rogers has quite the head of hair. You’d think a devoted fan would notice something like that.
Pammy Girl,
Too funny. That reminds me of people mistaking my dad for Gerald Ford. My father was 6’4″, and over 230 lbs most of his life, and lived in Louisville, KY. In spite of this, he had people arguing with him that he was, in fact, the former President. The lack of a Secret Service detail never seemed to deter them.
The best part of your story is that he went ahead and posed for the picture. You can imagine this poor soul hanging the beloved photo with Kenny on the wall, and having a fellow Kenny Rodgers fan coming over and saying, “Hey… who’s the bald dude in that picture with you?” 😀 – Tim
Numba 10 .. you suck.
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